Watercolour

   A shiver trailed down his spine as he took another long drag from his cigarette, smoke lolling lazily out of his mouth. Joel wondered just how long he’d been standing outside in this freezing rain…well, it had to be long enough if he was starting to feel it in his bones. He let out a long exasperated sigh as he leaned over the balcony, hating  this feeling whenever it would sink in. The mind numbing depression he suffered from always seemed to creep up on him just when he’d thought he’d gotten rid of it for good.

    Normally he would just spit dumb things on twitter and let the storm pass over him after triumphantly winning a few tweetbattles, but unfortunately tonight the little twats got the better of him. They happened to point out a few of his flaws that’d been haunting him for a long while now, and even managed to point out a few new ones that happened to pop up recently. Their words burned deeply into his mind, like termites on a chunk of old, rotting wood. He took another long drag of his cigarette and leaned his head back, letting the smoke get lost in the rain.


    It wasn’t just the twittards that were bothering him though, sure they were part of the reason that he was upset but it wasn’t the real reason. Lately he’d been working on a new musical piece, one that didn’t consist of the normal wubs and drops that his fans eagerly devoured like starved hounds. He wanted to expand his musical horizon and put out songs from his skills as a pianist; this fact alone had stirred the shit-pot of his cookie cutter fans. They didn’t appreciate him wandering too far from the normal, they wanted him to continue to make stupid generic ‘dubstepz’. It wasn’t that they didn’t enjoy or appreciate the music he was giving to them…but it just hurt deep down that they would actually have the guts to laugh and make fun of him for exposing his soul, for showing them what it was really like inside the head of the mau5; showing them that the big smile was all a facade and deep down there was a lonely and scared man on the inside, hoping and wishing for a way out of his turmoil of depression.



    He exposed himself to them and all they did was ridicule him…and that’s when the repulsive monster of depression reared his head from the depths of his hell.


    Sure he should be thankful for the life that he has. He’s ‘deadmau5’ the man most girls want and most boys want to be. Living the high life of luxury, driving his fast and expensive cars, living in a penthouse in the heart of Toronto; having a career that millions hope to achieve…but as they say, money can’t buy happiness. And of course Joel was thankful for the one girl who’d been able to survive this long being with him, Sako…their 6 year anniversary just around the corner. But even though he had all these things, all these great and wonderful things, all these amazing and supportive people behind him…he just couldn’t help but feel lost. Could nothing truly save him from tearing himself apart from the inside? How great was living such a beautiful life if you could feel absolutely nothing on the inside?


   Joel adjusted himself on the balcony, his foot resting in between the bars of the balcony railing, leaning forward more and closing his eyes as the rain continued to trickle onto his face. He stretched his fingers slightly, cigarette slipping from them and tumbling down to the streets below. “Fuck…” he huffed slightly, watching the cherry flutter out as it cascaded downwards…It caused the producer to wonder ‘What would it be like if he were to take a dive off this ledge…?’.


   Surely everyone would’ve seen it coming. ‘Local producer “drops” too hard.’ he couldn’t help but snicker to himself, part of him feeling morbid but another part feeling strangely relieved at the thought. He wouldn’t feel this pain anymore, this mind numbing pain would just magically vanish. He wouldn’t have  to worry about sets or songs or fans or anything…just the soft embrace of death as his head cracks open onto the concrete. Would his skull be like an egg? Would he die on impact or would he suffer and bleed to death? Would his splayed crimson mess streak the pavement like watercolor on canvas? It would be elegant. To embrace the gentle hand of death in such an artful way. To grace his fans with a perfect red halo in his final picture. He leaned a bit further, swallowing the lump in his throat. He could do it and absolutely no-one would fucking care…time would move forward, people would move on… Just a bit further…


   A small, warm pair of hands slid around Joel’s torso, tugging the producer back slightly. The softest voice uttering a timid, “No…”. Sako nuzzled her face into Joel’s backside, pulling him closer to her and further away from the edge.  “No, please…I need you here with me…” Somehow she knew…? She knew how badly he was hurting inside; she knew just what he was about to do even before he was going to do it…? It felt as though a brick of guilt hit the pit of his stomach as he slowly backed away from the balcony, her hands gripping tighter around him.


   Her embrace was warm and welcoming, a strange feeling of comfort washing over him and chasing all of his monsters back into the corner of his mind. He couldn’t help but tremble, feeling weak and helpless as she held him close to her, a quiet sob letting loose from his lips before he turned around to return her hug. No he wouldn’t cry in-front of her, he can’t cry in-front of her. He couldn’t show her how weak he really was… could he? Her fingers gripped his cold face softly, a thumb gently wiping away a tear…or was it rain? Fuck who could tell out here? “J-Joel I…” she started but he quickly presses his lips into hers, he didn’t really want to talk right now, he just wanted to continue this feeling. Her touch, her scent, just…her.


   He cracked a smile as he slowly pulled away from their kiss. “Hold me closer Tiny Dancer~” he whispered rather shakily, nerves on edge from the rush of adrenaline. She just made him so stupidly happy, feeling enough at ease to sing softly to her. He pulled her closer to him as they both looked out over Toronto’s dimly lit sky, the chilly rain still trickling down onto them, feeling her shiver in his arms. “Count the headlights on the highway….”. She tugged Joel back inside and out of the rain, arms sliding around the producer’s neck and pulling him down with her as she flopped backward onto the couch, chiming in with his song….’their’ song.


    “Lay me down in sheets of linen….” her green eyes stared brightly up into his, filled with such hope and such love for the man before her, a soft smile grazing across her lips as Joel’s quivered with the realization of what he’d almost done. He’d almost tossed everything away, his life, his career….his love…when all he could ever want was right here before him.


Her fingers combed through his wet hair, her chilled body pressed flush against his. God did he fucking love her. He didn’t even have to say it, she just knew. Sako gently rubbed noses with Joel, giving the man sweet little Eskimo kisses before finishing their song with the last verse. “You’ve had a busy day today…”


Stray tears managed to slide down this mau5’s cheeks, opening his mouth to apologize but finding it pressed passionately against hers. And for once in his life, Joel felt that he finally knew just where he truly belonged.